Do photos like these objectify computers?

Court: No, you can't marry your MacBook

A man in Florida, where strange things are known to happen, has asked the court to recognize the marriage between him and his MacBook. Like any good love story, Chris Sevier never planned to fall in love with his Apple computer; the love was serendipitous, unexpected.

According to court documents reported on in the Broward-Palm Beach New Times, it was not until Sevier started getting to know his new laptop that he started becoming…attached to it. We’ll let him explain:

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

Don’t these kinds of stories restore your faith in humanity? Love is real, after all!

Okay, okay. There’s a catch. Chris Sevier doesn’t actually want to marry his MacBook, though we do have it on good authority that his predilection for porn is real and is a likely result of the “classical conditioning upon orgasm” he reflects upon in his court intervention.

Instead, this man is a sort of court troll. In his opposition of gay marriage, he has filed a variety of frivolous suits, motions, and claims. This particular filing for intervention is meant to impede and delegitimize a prominent gay marriage case in Florida, which many anticipate will influence the state’s long-term policy on these matters. He has since made a similar legal move in Utah, once again demanding that the court “put up or shut up” on same-sex marriage, which he claims is legally indistinguishable from man-computer relationships.

Among his other brilliant judicial maneuvers is a lawsuit against both A&E and Barack Obama due to the firing of Duck Dynasty‘s Phil Robertson. TMZ included some of the quite amazing illustrations/Phil Robertson fan art he added to that filing, as well.

As mentioned previously, his troubled relationship with the adult content on his laptop runs rather deep. He sued Apple in mid-2013, demanding damages and parental controls enabled by default on future Mac devices. His argument was that upon using his MacBook for the first time, a mere typo led to his first exposure to all of that X-rated content on the web. Since it appealed to his “biological sensibilities as a male,” he became so involved with the darker reaches of the web that he saw his marriage and job fall apart. Needless to say, this did not see the light of day in court.

Chris Sevier's actual MacBook. Source: Chris Sevier Esq. Facebook fan page

Chris Sevier’s actual MacBook/special friend. Source: Chris Sevier Esq. Facebook fan page

The music career he said was dismantled by this newfound addiction appears to be back up and running, however, if his Facebook fan page is any indication. On the other hand, if music and frivolous lawsuits keep the one-time lawyer from his former habits of stalking country music star John Rich or a 17-year-old woman, I’m happy for him to continue with the former activities.

Now apparently much more comfortable with the content his MacBook provides, he still does not get the legal right to marry his computer or make a big racket to distract from more meaningful issues.

We do hope he is careful when browsing the adult web from an Android device, however.

Tags: Apple SSM Technology Weird

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